Friends or "Friend-ly"?
The Gift of Real Friendship
First things…
Thank you to everyone who read Laila Reckstadt’s essay, The Teleological Structure of Meaning.
What Does It Mean to be A Real Friend?
There is a difference between being popular and being loved.
There is a difference between being surrounded by people and being truly known.
In a world filled with followers, likes, streaks, group chats, and endless digital interaction, many people still experience deep loneliness. Why? Because real friendship is not measured merely by proximity or frequency of communication. Real friendship is measured by sincerity, trust, sacrifice, and mutual growth.
The Book of Sirach speaks about friendship with surprising depth and realism. It does not romanticize relationships. Instead, it recognizes that true friendship is rare, precious, and worth protecting.
“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter:
he that has found one has found a treasure.”
— Sirach 6:14
Notice the language. A treasure.
Not an accessory.
Not entertainment.
Not convenience.
A treasure.
Sirach understands something many people learn only through painful experience: not everyone who walks beside you is truly with you. Some people are companions of circumstance. Others are companions only in comfort. But a faithful friend remains present through difficulty, disappointment, embarrassment, failure, and struggle.
The ancient wisdom of Sirach even offers caution:
“When you gain a friend, gain him through testing.”
— cf. Sirach 6:7
At first glance, that sounds harsh. But it is actually wise. Friendship is revealed over time. Difficult moments often expose what easy moments conceal. Pressure reveals character. Hardship reveals loyalty.
When I worked in education, I often told students something that surprised them:
“You do not have to be friends with everyone. But you do have to be friendly.”
That distinction matters.
Sometimes children — and adults — believe kindness requires forced closeness. It does not. We are not naturally compatible with every personality, interest, or temperament. Friendship usually develops naturally when people share experiences, values, humor, goals, or interests. Two students may discover they both love music, sports, aviation, books, horses, art, or simply the way the other person listens.
Friendship shouldn’t be manufactured artificially. But friendliness can always be chosen.
Friendliness is a posture of respect.
Friendship is a relationship of trust.
One opens the door.
The other grows over time.
Ironically, many real friendships begin not through forced social pressure, but through simple acts of consistent friendliness. A welcoming smile. An invitation to sit down. A patient conversation. A shared laugh. The willingness to include rather than exclude.
And the best friendships do something even deeper: they call us upward.
A real friend does not merely accept every behavior without question. Real friends encourage one another toward what is good. They challenge each other to become stronger, wiser, kinder, more courageous, and more honest. They celebrate each other’s successes without jealousy. They speak truth when necessary, even when it is uncomfortable.
In this sense, friendship becomes part of human formation.
The wrong friendships can pull a person toward bitterness, addiction, cruelty, recklessness, or despair. The right friendships can pull a person toward hope, discipline, joy, faith, and purpose.
Sirach understood this too:
“Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship aright.”
— Sirach 6:17
A friendship rooted in virtue becomes something holy. It becomes a place where two people help one another carry life more faithfully.
Some of the greatest moments in life are surprisingly ordinary:
a long conversation after a difficult day,
a friend who shows up without being asked,
someone who remembers your struggle,
someone who sits beside you in silence when words are not enough.
These moments rarely trend online. Yet they often become the memories that sustain us most deeply.
Real friendship is not built on constant performance. It is built on presence.
And perhaps this is why loneliness hurts so much. Human beings were not created merely to coexist. We were created for communion. We long to know and be known.
The challenge for modern society is not simply making more connections. It is recovering depth. Recovering sincerity. Recovering loyalty. Recovering the courage to become the kind of friend we ourselves hope to find.
Because ultimately, friendship is not just about finding people who enjoy our company.
It is about becoming the kind of person whose presence brings light, steadiness, honesty, encouragement, and peace into the lives of others.
That kind of friendship truly is a treasure.
I thought you might enjoy Fr. Mike Schmidt’s video on Friendship. Enjoy!
Please let me know what you think. Your comments, likes, and shares really, truly, absolutely do mean a lot, and you’re appreciated more than you know. :)
John Henry
Semper ad Lucem
Bonus: